Secrets, Diaries and Love
by mcflyPARtYGiRL
Summary: WARNING: SLASH don't like don't read Rated M just in case. Gibbs and Tony both discover things about each other.
1. Flashback and Unlocked Draws

"_We need to get their attention away from Ziva and McGee," Gibbs said to Tony as they stood in the park watching the suspects, who were watching the van Ziva and McGee were in. Tony stood there in thought, trying to think of a movie that related to their situation. Gibbs looked around the park, maybe something would give him inspiration. He glanced at a couple who were holding hands then they kissed.  
_That'll get's people's attention… and if it's…_ Without thinking it through properly he pulled Tony towards him and crashed his lips down on top of the younger man's for a few seconds before pulling away. _

"_Boss?" Tony asked with a shaky voice. _

"_Got their attention," Gibbs said as the suspects looked at them. Ziva and McGee jumped from the van, collected what they needed and disappeared. _

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs barked. Tony snapped out of his thoughts and looked up to see Gibbs in front of his desk.

"Boss," Tony said jumping up.

"Finish that report," Gibbs ordered. Tony gave a nod, sat back down and stared at the half finished report. McGee handed his report to Gibbs and said his goodnights, not long after that Ziva also left after giving her report to Gibbs. Tony tried to concentrate on the report and not the fact that he was in the squad room… with Gibbs… _alone_. Fifteen minutes passed and all he'd done was stare at the paper and pen. He shook his head and looked around. Gibbs had disappeared so now he was totally alone. At this opportunity he quickly unlocked his middle draw and pulled out a leather bound diary. Skipping the first few pages which were covered in writing he found a blank page and put pen to paper, finally he'd get to write at least once today.

"Finished that report?" Gibbs asked, seeming to appear from thin air.

"Almost," Tony said and quickly put the diary back. Within five minutes he'd finished the report and handed it to Gibbs.

"Night Tony," Gibbs replied and noticed that his senior field agent looked as if he was in pain when he'd spoken to him. He brushed it off and turned to his computer to turn it off. He stood and walked towards the elevator but for some reason he felt intrigued to look at what Tony was doing with that diary he'd never seen before. He set his coffee upon Tony's desk and set about unlocking the middle draw but found that it was unlocked. He picked up the diary and flicked through the pages. The first few were about the rough case they'd had last week, just feelings and getting things off his chest then he turned the page.  
_Oh!_ He read and re-read the page and couldn't actually believe his eyes. Was it a joke? Did anyone know about this? Gibbs quickly closed the draw, picked up his coffee and headed for the elevator, with the diary.

* * *

_Can't believe I left that damn jacket here._ Gibbs thought as he walked back into the squad room only to find a very flustered Tony. _I thought he'd left._

"You alright DiNozzo?" he asked.

"No," Tony replied.

"Wanna talk?" Gibbs asked.

"Have you seen a diary, its leather bound…? My father gave it to me, pretty much the only thing I have to remind me I actually have a father," Tony said. Gibbs didn't say anything, just watched as Tony went through the draws of his desk again, searching frantically.

"I've seen it," Gibbs said after a while.

"Where?" Tony said quickly.

"We need to talk first," Gibbs said as he began walking towards the elevator, Tony followed and they stepped in. "I held my breath in the elevator because I was scared I'd whisper his name when I looked at him…" Gibbs said watching as Tony dropped his head and his cheeks flushed with colour. Gibbs flicked the elevator off.

"Shit!" Tony cursed.

"I love the warmth and minute sting that come with every slap on the back of the head… I wonder if he notices that I watch his every move, that I see those small smiles he gives when he thinks nobody is watching… Does he notice that I try harder to impress him?" Gibbs stopped and took a breath. Tony turned his back, he felt like bashing his head against that wall of the elevator, how could this happen?  
"Wanna tell me why you feel that way?"

"No," Tony whispered.

"How long?" Gibbs asked.

"A while," Tony replied in a whisper.

"It's only seven, go get your stuff and come around to my place," Gibbs said, flicking the elevator back on and watched as Tony left the elevator.


	2. Beers and Learning

It was seven thirty when Gibbs heard the front door open. He stepped from the kitchen into the hallway and saw Tony taking his jacket off.

"Beer?" he asked.

Tony nodded shyly. Gibbs walked back into the kitchen knowing that he'd clearly made Tony feel embarrassed about his feelings, something he'd never meant to do. He grabbed two beers from the fridge and walked into the hallway to find Tony wasn't there. He walked into the living room but Tony wasn't there either.  
_He couldn't have left, I didn't hear the door._ He looked around and noticed the door to the basement was open, and he'd closed it earlier. He stood in thought for a moment, not sure if it would be a good idea to go down and see what he was doing or if he should wait a moment. Deciding it would be better if he gave Tony some time he placed one beer on the coffee table then sat on the couch and sipped at his beer. It was only a few minutes before Tony came up from the basement.

"You alright?" Gibbs asked as he noted Tony's slightly red eyes.

"Yeah, sawdust got to me," Tony replied at he took the beer from the coffee table and sat at the other end of the couch, pushing himself against the arm of the couch, hoping it would swallow him so he didn't have to face Gibbs and the conversation they were going to have to have sooner or later.

"You know that we need to talk," Gibbs said. Tony nodded, making sure that he didn't meet Gibbs' gaze. It was silent for some time before Gibbs spoke again. "Do you wanna tell me why?"

"No," Tony said. He took sip of beer, a tiny, brief burst of relief washed over him as the cool liquid slid down his throat.

"Ok, I'm not gonna push you," Gibbs said. The silence was nearly unbearable, he wanted so badly to find out what Tony was feeling but he held himself back. _He'll let up with time._ And he was right. Ten minutes of silence passed before Tony spoke.

"I should go," Tony said. Not what Gibbs had wanted to hear.

"No," Gibbs said too quickly. "We need to talk,"

"I don't want to talk," Tony replied as he stood up.

"Why? Are you too embarrassed to tell me how you really feel?" Gibbs asked.

"No," Tony said.

"Then what is it?" Gibbs said as he stood. Tony was silent. "Is it the rules? Are you actually going to follow 'rule 12'?"

"What else can I do?" Tony asked.

"Start by telling me what is actually going on inside of your head," Gibbs suggested.

"I doubt that you'd last five minutes of what I have to tell," Tony said with disappointment.

"Try me," Gibbs said.

"Well..." Tony stopped and finished off his beer.

"Another?" Gibbs asked

"Please," Tony said. Gibbs went and got them another beer each before he settled in for Tony's 'unveiling' of feelings. After only a few minutes he was amazed at just how deep Tony's feelings were for him. After some time both men had left their beers. Tony had forgotten about his fear of Gibbs hating him and Gibbs had forgotten about everything else except for Tony. Time kept ticking away, Tony kept letting his feelings flow freely and Gibbs kept listening with such intent that Tony thought maybe he was thinking about something else. Gibbs learnt about feelings from that frist day in Baltimore to...

"But then I stopped feeling things for you for a while…" Tony said. Gibbs looked at Tony in silence and Tony continued. "…because I went undercover, and I met Jeanne... I didn't have to lock my feelings up any longer… At the start they were fake feelings, then I actually started to love her, and if I loved her then I wouldn't have to worry about my feelings for you because they would disappear, and they did… Then everything went bad… and I never forgot," Tony's eyes had glazed over with tears and he looked away from Gibbs.

"Tony…" Gibbs wanted to say something that would comfort Tony but all he could manage was "I'm sorry,"

"It's in the past, she's gone, you're here," Tony said and stood up. "I'm gonna go now,"

"Ok," Gibbs said, knowing that he'd learnt enough for now. He followed Tony to the front door.

"Night," Tony said as he reached for the door handle. Gibbs reached out to Tony, grabbed his arm and spun him around and without even thinking connected their lips. Tony stumbled back and looked at Gibbs not knowing what to think. Then all of a sudden he felt a surge of anger run through his veins.  
_He wanted me in a vulnerable state to take advantage of me!_ He thought angrily.

"Fuck you!" he spat. Curling his hands into fists he stepped forward, he felt so angry, not only because Gibbs had done something like that but also that he let himself get into the vulnerable state of mind. He took a breath and raised his fist.


	3. Bed and Breakfast

Gibbs watched as Tony raised his fist and wondered what had brought about that sudden change and when he thought about it he knew he shouldn't have kissed him. He wasn't sure if he should avoid Tony's fist or let him take a swing and while making the decision Tony took the opportunity to hit Gibbs. Tony swung his fist and let it collide with Gibbs' jaw. Gibbs looked at Tony then brought his hand up to his jaw, then in front of him he watched as Tony let out a shaky breath and lowered his fist. Tears began streaming down his face and Gibbs was by his side without a second thought. He pulled Tony to his chest and wrapped his arms around him as he cried.

"I hate you," Tony whispered through a sob. Gibbs gently guided Tony into the living room and sat him on the couch. It took some time for Tony to settle down and the whole time Gibbs sat with Tony and held him, and let Tony cry and curse him as much as he liked.

"Are you alright now?" Gibbs asked when Tony pulled away and wiped his face clean of running tears.

"Yep… I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say those things… didn't mean to hit you," Tony said.

"You were angry, it's ok, I know you didn't mean it," Gibbs said with a smile.

"I should go now," Tony said.

"I have a spare bed, it's a long drive back to your place," Gibbs said.

"No, I should go," Tony said.

"Its Saturday tomorrow, no need to worry about work," Gibbs told him.

"Ok, just for tonight," Tony gave in, he was feeling exhausted. Gibbs fixed up the spare room and made sure Tony was comfortable before they said their goodnights.  
Gibbs slid into his bed and stared up at the ceiling. Questions and answers swam around in his head and he sighed knowing that none of the questions had answers and none of the answers had questions.

He looked at the clock on the bedside table, an hour had passed and he couldn't sleep. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and made his way down the hallway, supposed to head for the kitchen but instead stopped at the spare bedroom and stood in the doorway. Tony hadn't closed the curtains and the moonlight drifted across his face. Gibbs watched with all intent as Tony moved one arm above his head, the other resting on his chest, his legs on a slight angle, all in a dream. Gibbs wondered how it would feel to be lying next to Tony, how it would feel to have the other mans arms holding onto him, the tickle of soft breath on his neck. He wondered how it would feel to have Tony's weight upon him, how it would feel to trace the muscles of his arms, of his chest… He sighed and turned away, forgetting about the kitchen he returned to bed and this time he fell asleep.

XxxX

Gibbs woke to the sound of breathing, the feel of a soft tickle upon his neck and when he turned his head he found that Tony was next to him. He tried to remember last night, had they had more to drink and instead of going to bed in separate rooms they maybe ended up in his bed? While deep in thought he didn't notice Tony open his eyes.

"Morning," Tony whispered. Gibbs, never nervous, almost jumped from his skin.

"Ah, morning," Gibbs said, sitting up in bed.

"Sorry, I umm… I woke up last night and couldn't get back to sleep…" Tony said as he quickly got out of the bed. There was an awkward silence as Tony headed out of the bedroom.

"Breakfast?" Gibbs asked.

"Sure," Tony replied.

"Bacon and eggs ok?" Gibbs said as he walked to the door.

"Sounds great," Tony replied.

"Do you want to go for a shower while I cook?" Gibbs said as they walked down the hallway.

"I think I will," Tony smiled. Gibbs headed into the kitchen and began to cook breakfast. His thoughts were soon distracted and he slowly drifted away from the cooking and began wondering about Tony upstairs… Alone… In the shower…

"Shit!" he cursed as he smelt the bacon start to burn. Quickly he snapped his attention back to cooking breakfast. Fifteen minutes passed and Tony walked into the kitchen.

"Smells good," he said.

"Hope it tastes alright, I burnt the bacon a bit," Gibbs said, handing Tony a plate full of bacon, eggs and toast.

"Anything will taste alright, I'm starving," Tony said before beginning to eat. Gibbs sat down and started to eat his breakfast. Several times he stopped eating and just watched Tony. The way he buttered his toast with simple strokes, how he gripped the knife and fork, the way he rested the knife and fork on the plate and picked up a piece of bacon with his fingers not caring about his table manners. Gibbs smiled; Tony made him feel at ease in his own home, and it felt good, strange, but good.


	4. Home and Phone Calls

"I'm gonna go for a shower, make yourself at home," Gibbs said as he put his plate in the sink. He knew that he didn't have to tell Tony but he still felt like he should, incase Tony thought he wasn't wanted here.

"Ok," Tony replied as he watched Gibbs walk from the kitchen. He waited and listened. He heard Gibbs go into the bathroom then silence for a few seconds before he heard the water running. He felt the least he could do was tidy up a bit, though it wasn't really a thank you that he though appropriate but still it would be the thought that counts. He washed the dishes and went up stairs to make the beds. Once he'd made the beds he decided to head back down stairs but stopped just outside the bathroom door. He could hear mumbling and began to wonder if Gibbs was ok, the low mumbles sounded pained somehow. For a moment he was tempted to enter the bathroom but then he heard another sound, one which put his mind at ease, a soft, low moan. He smiled to himself and went back downstairs into the kitchen and started to make some coffee. As he boiled the kettle he listened carefully to the sounds around him. He continued to make the coffee and as if he knew when Gibbs would step through the door he turned around with cup in hand to see Gibbs walk into the kitchen.

"Coffee?" Tony said. Gibbs accepted the coffee and took a sip.

"That's good," Gibbs smiled. Tony picked up his cup and tried the coffee.  
_Yeah it's pretty good._ Tony thought to himself, though he wasn't interested in the coffee. They headed into the living room and sat drinking coffee in silence.

"I should probably go soon," Tony said after some time. Gibbs didn't reply but wished that Tony would stay, even though they said little his presence made all the difference. "I should go now,"

"You can stay," Gibbs said.

"No, I should go, I've been in your road for too long already," Tony said as he stood up.

"You're not in the road," Gibbs said. _And never will be._

"I feel like it… Thanks for letting me stay the night, and looking after me, I really appreciate it," Tony smiled.

"Any time Tony," Gibbs said as he followed Tony to the front door. Tony opened the door and stepped out. "Tony,"

"Yeah?" Tony asked turning around.

"Keys," Gibbs said as he threw Tony's keys to him.

"Thanks Boss," Tony said before turning and leaving. Gibbs longed for Tony to turn around and stay, but he didn't and Gibbs felt a stab of hurt run through him.

_Is it so wrong to feel like this for him? After the way I embarrassed him about his feelings how could I possibly feel the same way? Does he realize I love him? Did I make it obvious? Did I hide it? Could he possibly still feel the same as he did yesterday? _

The shrill ring of the phone snapped him from his thoughts.

"Hello?" he answered. There was silence on the other end of the line. "Hello?" he said again, this time a sharp edge in his tone. Still silence but someone must have been on the other end because there was a soft, almost inaudible hum. Then the line went dead. He stood with a look of confusion on his face for a moment before putting the phone back on the receiver and walked down to the basement.

XxxX

Tony walked into his apartment and kicked his shoes off. He threw his keys onto the small dining table and placed his jacket on the back of the couch. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed.  
_Why me? Why can't I just be strong enough to tell him how I really feel? Tell him what I want from him, tell him what I want him to do, what I want to do…_

The phone rang and he looked towards it. Walking over he picked it up. "Hello," he said. There was a soft hum in the background but nobody answered. "Is there someone there?" and still there was no reply. "Don't call again," Tony snapped.

"Tony," a female voice said as he was about to hang up.

"Yes?" he said warily. There was silence again. "Listen, I'm not in the mood for this shit!" and slammed the phone down. He wondered why everything had to be a mystery for him. He was always getting hurt through lies and mysteries and it just didn't seem fair. He sat at the dining table and stared at the lacquered wood table top. The voice sounded so familiar yet so strange. Several minutes passed as Tony sat in silence. Suddenly he heard a knock on the door. He stood from the table and walked to the door and upon opening it he found nobody there, but at his feet was an envelope, upside down. He picked it up and walked back inside. He flipped it to the front and gasped. He could recognize that handwriting anywhere, any day. He opened the envelope carefully, as if it was the most precious thing he had handled. He took a deep, shaky breath and took the contents from the envelope. There was a piece of paper, folded and scented with a soft rose smell. A smaller envelope was placed with the piece of paper. Tony sat back down at the table and put everything down. Slowly he lifted the small envelope and opened it and pulled out photos. With shaky hands he reached for his phone and dialed the only number he could think of.

"Hello,"

"I need you to come over," Tony said in a panicked voice.


	5. Envelopes

The phone rang and Gibbs stopped working on the boat and ran upstairs.

"Hello," he answered.

"I need you to come over," he heard Tony, his voice full of panic.

"I'm coming now," Gibbs said. He didn't want to waste time in asking questions, he'd get to Tony sooner this way. He grabbed his car keys and ran for his car. It felt like forever to get to Tony's apartment, why was it always that way? When someone was in danger it felt like you would never get to them in time. He willed the elevator to go faster even though he knew it wouldn't. "Tony!" he said as he opened the door. When he walked into the apartment he saw Tony sitting at the table crying, his hands shaking.  
_Twice! _

"Oh, God! I don't think I can handle this," Tony said when he looked up. Gibbs grabbed another chair and sat next to Tony.

"What is it?" Gibbs asked. Tony pushed the letter and photos over. Gibbs picked up the top picture looked at it. "When did you get this?"

"Just before I rang you," Tony replied. "Someone knocked on the door and when I opened the door I found it,"

"Did you see anyone?" Gibbs asked.

"No… I don't want things to be like this," Tony said.

"We'll get everything sorted out," Gibbs said as he took Tony's hands.

"I know," Tony said. Gibbs pulled Tony up and took him to the couch. He wiped the last tears off Tony's face and was rewarded with a small smile.

"You know… I've been thinking… And, I was wondering if…" Gibbs started.

"Yes," Tony said quickly.

"I might have been going to say would you jump off a cliff… But, ok," Gibbs said.

"I'd jump off a cliff if that's what you wanted me to do," Tony said then mentally kicked himself. "That was supposed to be a thought,"

"Well for the record I would never ask you to jump off a cliff," Gibbs said.

"I know…" Tony said.

"Anyway, what I was going to say was maybe you should ring your father," Gibbs suggested.

"No way!" Tony said definitely.

"Tony he just sent you a letter saying you've been taken out of the will, and his new wife and her daughter have been put in… Does that seem fair?" Gibbs asked.

"His decision, his loss," Tony said.

"He's your father," Gibbs said. "Anyway, how did he find out?"

"I might have said something like 'I'm interested in someone' then he said 'when can I meet her' and I may have said 'he and I aren't really dating' but it was an accident, he just hung up," Tony told Gibbs.

"Right…" Gibbs said. He watched Tony walk down the hallway "Where you going?"

"Wash my face," Tony said, opening a door. "Aww fucking hell," he cursed.

"What's wrong?" Gibbs asked, heading in Tony's direction.

"Plumbing's fucked, water everywhere," Tony said as he walked out of the bathroom.

"Come stay with me," Gibbs said.

"You sure?" Tony asked.

"Positive… You know you can change the subject really fast," Gibbs said as they walked into Tony's bedroom.

"I don't want to talk about my father, that's all," Tony said as he opened his wardrobe.

"Alright..." Gibbs said, watching Tony pack a bag.

XxxX

"Thank you for everything… For been there for me, understanding me, letting me stay here, dinner was good too," Tony said as they sat on the couch.

"Any time," Gibbs said, wrapping his arm around Tony's shoulder. Tony turned into Gibbs' chest and inhaled. The smell of sawdust and coffee made its way through his body, alerting every inch of him, making him even more aware that he loved Gibbs.

"Gibbs…" Tony said, Gibbs looked at him and he understood. "Jethro,"

"Tony," Gibbs smiled.

"I'm sorry that I…" Tony started. Gibbs brought a finger to Tony's lips to silence him then slowly he placed a kiss upon his jaw, making his way to Tony's lips. Tony pushed himself even closer to Gibbs, deepening the kiss and wrapping his arms around Gibbs' neck.


End file.
